Step One is Forgive Yourself
If you read my email two weeks ago, I shared the 6 steps to owning your magic:
Choose love and acceptance
Surround sound your life with how you want to feel
Be the author of your life
Claim your dreams
I want to take each step one at a time and focus on the first. This is the foundation for the other 5. Without forgiving yourself, then the others can't be possible or at least are harder to achieve and why do we always want to make things hard on ourselves? We don't, right? Okay so let's start with this one which in my humble opinion is the hardest.
Forgiveness is often defined as a deliberate decision to let go of feelings of anger, resentment, and retribution toward someone who you believe has wronged you. However, while you may be quite generous in your ability to forgive others, you may be much harder on yourself.
We all get it wrong and make mistakes because we are all perfectly imperfect, but learning the lessons from our mistakes, letting go, moving on, and forgiving ourselves is important for mental health and well-being. I am so sad to hear so many people who have struggled with mental health, are no longer with us. I am happy that mental health is more of a focus than it used to be. Given that we also deal with shame a lot (another great topic to discuss and mentioned below), we are not comfortable admitting that we need help with our mental health, and many don't seek help which is extremely important. I will be transparent in sharing that I have a therapist who helps me with my mental health and I have no shame because I know I need to be well inside as well as outside in all facets, mentally, physically, emotionally and spiritually.
How to Forgive Yourself
Self-forgiveness is not about letting yourself off the hook nor is it a sign of weakness. The act of forgiveness, whether you are forgiving yourself or someone who has wronged you, does not suggest that you are condoning the behavior. Forgiveness means that you accept the behavior, you accept what has happened, and you are willing to move past it and move on with your life without ruminating over past events that cannot be changed.
The 4 R's of Self-Forgiveness
Accept Responsibility Forgiving yourself is about more than just putting the past behind you and moving on. It is about accepting what has happened and showing compassion to yourself. If you read my book, then you know I had a traumatic experience in my tweens and teens. When I was married, I was wronged and had to make some hard choices in how I handled my divorce given all the things that this person I cared about, did to me. I know that there were also times when I played a part in wronging him and learned that I had to own my parts. Facing what you have done or what has happened is the first step toward self-forgiveness. It's also the hardest step. If you have been making excuses, rationalizing, or justifying your actions in order to make them seem acceptable, it is time to face up and accept what you have done. By taking responsibility and accepting that you have engaged in actions that have hurt others, you can avoid negative emotions, such as excessive regret and guilt.
Express Remorse As a result of taking responsibility, you may experience a range of negative feelings, including guilt and shame. When you've done something wrong, it's completely normal, even healthy, to feel guilty about it. These feelings of guilt and remorse can serve as a springboard to positive behavior change. For example, being a parent is the most important yet hardest job in the world and I know I don't always get it right. Out of emotion, sometimes I react instead of responding and yell at my children when I shouldn't. I know this is hurtful, I feel guilty and have to apologize for my behavior at times and then forgive myself and try better next time. While guilt implies that you're a good person who did something bad, shame makes you see yourself as a bad person. This can bring up feelings of worthlessness which, left unresolved, can lead to addiction, depression, and aggression. Understand that making mistakes that you feel guilty about does not make you a bad person or undermine your intrinsic value.
Repair the Damage and Restore Trust Making amends is an important part of forgiveness, even when the person you are forgiving is yourself. Just as you might not forgive someone else until they've made it up to you in some way, forgiving yourself is more likely to stick when you feel like you've earned it. One way to move past your guilt is to take action to rectify your mistakes. Apologize if it is called for and look for ways that you can make it up to whomever you have hurt. Like I shared above with parenting. It may seem as if this portion of the process benefits only the person you've harmed, but there's something in it for you as well. Fixing your mistake means you'll never have to wonder if you could have done more.
Focus on Renewal Everyone makes mistakes and has things for which they feel sorry or regretful. Falling into the trap of rumination, self-hatred or even pity can be damaging and make it difficult to maintain your self-esteem and motivation. Forgiving yourself often requires finding a way to learn from the experience and grow as a person. To do this, you need to understand why you behaved the way you did and why you feel guilty. What steps can you take to prevent the same behaviors again in the future? Yes, you might have messed up, but it was a learning experience that can help you make better choices in the future. Limitations While self-forgiveness is a powerful practice, it's important to recognize that this model is not intended for people who unfairly blame themselves for something they aren't responsible for. People who have suffered abuse, trauma, or loss, for example, may feel shame and guilt even though they had no control. This can be particularly true when people feel they should have been able to predict, and therefore avoid, a negative outcome. Benefits The standard axiom within psychology has been that forgiveness is a good thing and that it conveys a number of benefits, whether you have experienced a minor slight or have suffered a much more serious grievance. This includes both forgiving others as well as yourself. Mental Health Letting go and offering yourself forgiveness can help boost your feelings of wellness and improve your image of yourself. This is part of owning your magic! Physical Health The act of forgiveness can also positively impact your physical health. Research shows that forgiveness can improve cholesterol levels, reduce bodily pain, and blood pressure, and lower your risk of a heart attack. Relationships Having a compassionate and forgiving attitude toward yourself is also a critical component of successful relationships. Being able to forge close emotional bonds with other people is important, but so is the ability to repair those bonds when they become fraught or damaged. Challenges So what is it that makes self-forgiveness so difficult at times? Why do people often continue to punish and berate themselves over relatively minor mistakes? Engaging in actions that are not in line with our own values or self-beliefs can lead to feelings of guilt and regret—or worse, self-loathing. Some people are just naturally more prone to rumination, which can make it easier to dwell on negative feelings. The fact that self-forgiveness involves acknowledging wrongdoing and admitting that you might need to change can make the process more challenging. Lastly, people who are not yet ready to change may find it harder to truly forgive themselves. Instead, of admitting they might need to change, they might engage in a sort of pseudo-self-forgiveness by simply overlooking or excusing their behavior. Potential Drawbacks While self-forgiveness is generally thought of as a positive action that can help restore the sense of self, there is also research indicating that it can sometimes have a detrimental effect. The major pitfall of self-forgiveness is that it can sometimes reduce empathy for those who have been hurt by your actions. Although self-forgiveness often relieves feelings of guilt, there are times this inward focus may make it more difficult to identify with others. You can avoid this by consciously practicing empathy with those who have been affected by your actions. Forgiving people who have hurt you can be challenging, but forgiving yourself can be just as difficult. It is important to remember that learning how to forgive yourself is not a one-size-fits-all process. It is never simple or easy, but working on this form of self-compassion can convey a number of possible health benefits. In addition to reducing stress, depression, and anxiety, self-forgiveness can also have positive effects on your physical health and relationships.
Forgiving yourself is part of owning your magic but it's something you have to practice doing on a regular basis. Whether you feel you have wronged someone, or someone has wronged you, the first step to owning your power is following the model mentioned above so you can either let go and move on and know that you will repeat this cycle as often as you need to to continue owning your magic.
If there is anything I've shared resonated with you or you have blog topic recommendations, then I welcome you to leave a comment below or reach out to me for a free consultation to get help in an area of your life or a change/transformation you want to begin this year! Click here to book an appointment Work With Me | Life Chapters Coaching
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